MY MISTAKE

There are so many things going through my mind right now. I find myself so distracted from the emotions that suddenly spring out of me, from anger to stress to fear to sadness, that I can hardly think straight. I came to a realization tonight; Just because we may believe that we are fully relying on God does not mean that we truly are.
Although that may not seem like a profound statement to you understand that it is one of the easiest things to do without even realizing it. I have been believing that I have been relying on God when in fact I have simply been using that idea to excuse myself from actually taking control of my own life and following any direction that God may be giving me through His word or through my friends. I have been “Relying on God” instead of taking the actions that are required during this step of faith (remember it isn’t a ’step of faith’ if you aren’t actually taking any steps) It has been so easy to simply push worry and stress aside and say that I am “relying on God” when in fact I am simply using that as an excuse to sit on my lazy but and not step out and do what God requires of me.
This being said please learn from this mistake I have made and am now suffering the consequences of. Understand that Relying on God is not just saying words or thinking the thought but it means that, while you are actually working towards what it is you have put in His hands, you are FULLY trusting in Him, realizing that it will either work out in His timing or you will come to where He wanted you to go in the first place.

HEARTBREAKER

datang dan pergi sesuka hati tak ada naluri terus berkali-kali siapa kamu buat ku begini ?yang kamu mau hanya bisa berdiri
sesaat rapi, kedua & ketiga terus hadapi demi sebuah harga ingin berlari tapi tak sampai hati terus kau cari semakin berani
semua kau buat mudah aku tertipu di antara yang berbeda kau tak punya malu ..

TRY HARDER

i take a deep breaththenstart to walk again
try to step the paththat i already chooseand won’t regretor try to turn back again
coz i see youstanding therewait for me to follow your step
you give your handto me to hold onand walk by my side
then dear,lets try harder and pray for the be

MOVE FASTER NOW

One of the things I love most about writing is the ability to share my soul. Unfortunately, because of a hectic summer schedule, I have not allowed myself much time for reflection or reflective writing– or any thing else beyond homework and life maintenance.
In fact, most of what I have written this summer, I feel, was thrown together in a rush and shoved into the world because of a deadline or a sense of obligation, not because I allowed myself to pour over each word, as a good writer would.
What to do?
I must finish college, and I’m close– only 10 months left to go. I must, or I feel I must, continue cranking words into the world. I must keep up with deadlines or else let down an editor who may or may not bad mouth me afterward and may or may not give me another chance. I must keep up with my husband, the house, the bills and do my best to keep in touch with friends, family and colleagues– though I hear myself apologizing a lot.
All I can ever do is my best, and that is what I’m doing now– but I am down.
I am down because I am ignoring my muse. I am down because I need more sleep. I am down because there is no time to become entranced by a book. I am down because I feel off course and out of touch.
But, I am not off course. I am running as fast as I possibly can toward my goals, and that is a virtuous and admirable way to be.
The problem? I’m not allowing much time for anything else, for any sightseeing or moments to catch my breath.
It’s my mistake.
I have taken on a lot, completely sure I could handle it all (and I can). I feel like even mentioning all of this might equal complaining, and I don’t mean to complain. It’s just, I long for more than this.
I look forward to the day when my university studies are behind me and I can focus on what I truly want to do– write.